ARTICLES: NEXT DIMENSION IN THERAPY / COUNSELING / DEPRESSION / ENERGY MEDICINE   If you're not as happy as you could be, consider.... DEPTH FORGIVENESS Which of these troubles would you like to end? Emotional discomfort toward others that is hurting you but is not really affecting the other person Chronic physical pain Discomfort about other people that interferes with your ability to establish or maintain a loving relationship Feeling resentment toward a parent or parents Unresolved emotions toward others that contributes to obsessive ruminating about that person Inability to trust others or suspiciousness Continual irritation about certain types of people like men, women, authority figures, children, etc. Revenge or hate motives toward others Recurrent nightmares about other people hurting or violating you Unresolved emotions toward others that interfere with your relationship to God or to your spiritual fulfillment If you checked one or more of these troubles, you show signs of a need for experiencing the power of depth forgiveness towards others. These signs suggest that important obstacles to your happiness exist. Sometimes the troubles are more apparent in the need to forgive yourself. Check the following signs that indicate a need for self-forgiveness Continue to feel bad about mistakes I made a long time ago Guilt about parenting errors Hating or disliking my body Continue to feel bad about failures or lack of achievements for things in my history Feel incompetent even when facts do not warrant it Select partners, friends or companions that are destructive to me Feel guilt, shame or unworthiness Feel low self-esteem, inferior or inadequate Dislike my physical appearance Don’t believe I deserve to be forgiven Copyright by Steven R. Vazquez, Ph.D. 1997 These are all problems that you can try to ignore but they won't go away until you take action to change them. One problem with guilt, shame, and unworthiness is that the feelings themselves convince you that you should feel that way. In other words, when I feel guilty, I think to myself that I should feel guilty and then I don’t do anything about it. It becomes a self-fulfilling experience. This is clearly not the road to happiness and fortunately you do have other choices. To forgive may be the single most powerful healing event you can experience when it is done in an in-depth way. Who is Steven R. Vazquez, Ph.D.? Dr. Steven Vazquez is a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Texas. He is a certified medical psychotherapist and has been in private practice since 1978. Dr. Vazquez has conducted over 100 presentations, primarily to other professionals, within the last 10 years, everywhere from John Hopkins University to Stanford University and has been an invited presenter in almost every major professional conference in his field. Does Forgiveness Really Work? Life is a continual challenge of adjusting to changes and coping with things that bring forth human emotions. In order to handle the unpleasantness of these challenges, we often detach, delay or otherwise cope by not thoroughly bringing to completion the thoughts and feelings incurred. This accumulation of unresolved issues often occurs over a period of time without our conscious awareness. Then it contaminates our attitudes, beliefs and relationships which in turn affects our physical bodies through increasing stress. People often see this accumulation of unresolved thoughts and feelings as aspects of their identities and begin to think "That's just the way I am." When we cannot see a way out, we tend to believe that there is no way out, and we accept that we are destined to live with this discomfort. Forgiveness can be one way out. However, until recently, forgiveness has been a lofty goal that has been beyond the grasp of most people to achieve consistently or quickly. Everybody has heard of forgiveness, but what does it really mean? Forgiveness is a major theme in almost every religion on earth. Rituals for forgiveness abound in almost every culture. However, the evidence of conflict, hostility and the physical consequences of stress suggest that forgiveness is still not well understood by most people and is not accomplished effectively. Very few studies have been done on forgiveness in the field of psychology. An intellectual ritual about forgiveness is not likely to be depth forgiveness. Far too often, rituals of any type become habitual and meaningless in their impact. The depth of involvement of one's total being is a major factor in empowering rituals. Anybody can say, "I forgive you." A complete forgiveness should include emotional changes, physical changes, attitudinal changes, and behavioral changes. Although an intellectual recognition of the need to forgive is valuable as a starting point, it should not be regarded as depth forgiveness itself, until it impacts the body, the outlook, and actions. Depth forgiveness is a way to resolve a response to a wrong-doing. What is considered to be a wrong-doing may vary from culture to culture or even from person to person within a culture. Two people may be in the same situation experiencing the same act by a third person and may interpret the event differently. For example, if you were raised in a family in which certain slang language was commonly used and I grew up in a family in which that same slang was considered crude, sinful or offensive, then we would each interpret this usage of language quite differently. Our perceptions may or may not represent the actual intention of the sender of the message. Nonetheless, the emotional impact of perceived offensive words still happens, and one suffers for it if one does not have the ability to forgive. Webster’s dictionary defines "forgiveness" as "To pardon for or remission of something; cease to demand the penalty for..." I find this definition limiting in that it makes no reference to the transformative impact on the person doing the forgiving or the view of forgiveness as a total process. Furthermore, ceasing to demand penalties for a wrong-doing may not always be wise. Therefore, I have coined the term "Depth Forgiveness" which is defined as "A means of wisdom for resolving a response to a perceived wrong-doing that often transforms the person in the process of forgiving." The lack of effectiveness of most attempts at forgiveness is due, in part, to a misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually is. Before describing what forgiveness consists of, it is important to identify mistaken notions concerning what forgiveness is not. Grace's Story... Grace was a forty-five year old, single woman who I had seen before for relationship problems. When she realized that unresolved emotions from her past were interfering with her present ability to bond with the opposite sex, she considered depth forgiveness. She reported that she had had one boyfriend all the way through high school and college and they broke up when she found out that he had had an affair with one of her roommates. "...It upset me a lot. I had completely lost my sense of self with that relationship. I was way overweight... I hated myself. I went to another country to get as far away from the life I had created. I feel a recurring emptiness from having created these things. Its a warning for me to be cautious and aware. I have regrets about my past. There is a lot of sadness about my teenage years. I have learned a lot and am ready to let this go because it interferes with my ability to be comfortable in intimate relationships. I felt sad and empty because I lost myself in the relationship and then I hated myself for it." Grace was initially looking at a yellow light during the process and then it was changed to orange for the next phase of treatment. As Grace underwent the "photic release technique", she reported the tension in her chest and neck quickly disappear. Then she reported a complete change in the emotions of sadness, emptiness and self-hate. As she continued to experience light stimulation at a different frequency she began to say "I completely forgive myself for all the things I did wrong in those days." Then she forgave the boyfriend. Subsequent to this experience she said "I am feeling incredibly peaceful." She reported that the light looked beautiful and described that she felt "a sense of wholeness." She also reported a sense of compassion. Two months later I requested that Grace write down the consequences of our forgiveness session and send it to me. She wrote the following: "Everything I experience seems to have a new sense of clarity to it. Not sure if ‘clarity’ is just the right word but my general sense of awareness seems to be heightened in many areas. Sometimes this is a wonderful thing and sometimes this is a strange experience as it is stretching me in new dimensions of personal development. (The feelings of disorientation are lessening and giving way to these experiences.) I have times of profound energy and joy for no apparent reason. I find myself expressing joy in simple, childlike ways, very spontaneously; with an increasing realization that ‘life is good’. I am finding relationships both at home and work much more enjoyable and somehow easier. The strangeness is felt when I am in situations where I am faced with a decision of action and I am not willing to fall back on old habits. I know this may sound like very basic stuff but for me this is an area that somehow doesn’t seem fully developed, or could be refined. My greatest pain has been caused largely by dishonesty (to myself and others) and being afraid all the time. I don’t feel afraid all the time any more. I find myself willing to look at what is the ‘right’ thing to do or say in given situations. I seem to have this heightened awareness of right and wrong. I can actually catch myself thinking manipulative thoughts and now see how they are based on self-serving motives (anger or fear); or at times when I catch myself just going along and becoming a victim and wonder why I am doing this. I am now willing to stop and think it through from a different perspective. ‘Right’ actions now involve a concern for the emotions and highest good of all involved. Sometimes ‘right’ must be based on, ‘it just feels right at the gut level’. And it is not always the easiest thing to do. In fact, I am finding that doing the right thing more times than not is turning out to be very difficult to do yet it makes me feel good about myself and these decisions are developing better life patterns. ...Forgiveness is a healing process that continues to take me down an interesting path. there is a renewed sense of wonder in life in general. I seem to be aware of what is good about my life and what is working rather than just what is not working all the time." What Depth Forgiveness is Not Depth forgiveness requires courage, not weakness. Far too often forgiveness is mistakenly seen as giving up, admitting defeat or sacrificing. From the perspective of a scorned lover, the pain of rejection fosters a hurt and humiliation. To forgive at this time may be seen as weakness because certain natural reactions must be allowed to be processed. We do feel emotional when we feel wronged, but facing emotions does not necessarily equate to weakness. In fact, overcoming emotions by working through them requires more courage than avoiding them through the pretense of "being strong." Depth forgiveness is not about excusing a wrong-doing You cannot resolve a response to a wrong-doing until you first acknowledge it as such. For example, when parents tell their children, "We did the best we could," it may serve to excuse. If this justification is interpreted by the child as a reason to excuse the parents from any reactions, the child may withhold emotions and keep them from being acknowledged or resolved. This lack of resolution may contribute to everything from depression to divorce or even to chronic physical pain. Sometimes after depth forgiveness, the offense no longer matters so the interpretation of the wrong-doing may sound like excusing. However, when excusing is done before the response to the wrong-doing is resolved, these rationalizations serve to interfere with a true solution. Excusing is not the same as forgiveness. Depth forgiveness is not condoning a wrong-doing If a husband beats a wife and the wife chooses to forgive him, this does not mean the wife approves of his beating her. Forgiveness can neutralize the response to a wrong-doing but does not necessarily change the view of a moral or ethical value. It does not mean being wronged should be changed to be seen as right. Sometimes, however, there has actually been an error in judging an action as malicious. In that case, a change in viewing the act as positive may be appropriate. Far too often we change positions about a perceived wrong-doing into condoning it in order to avoid having to face working through the response to feeling wronged. This avoidance only perpetuates the discomfort while fooling ourselves. A wrong-doing should be seen as such. Forgiving does not take away our values but instead adds an extraordinary way of solving issues. Although depth forgiveness often results in compassion toward the offender, this reaction should not be interpreted as condoning the offending behavior. Depth forgiveness is not the same as absolution Absolution is about relieving an offender of all responsibility of his/her deeds. This type of pardon could mean letting people out of prison because they are free of all consequences of their actions. Depth forgiveness itself does not mean absolution. However, in some cases, depth forgiveness and absolution may overlap in such a way as to have the same effect. Absolution may or may not be included as a part of depth forgiveness. You can forgive someone for a criminal act and still be wise enough to reject absolving them of the consequences of jail when it would serve to protect yourself and others. While at the same time, depth forgiveness would free you from the torment of hating. In another situation, it may be in the best interests of all parties to both forgive and absolve an offender of a perceived wrong-doing. Depth forgiveness is not the same as justice In a logical sense, forgiveness is not likely to be fair. However, issues of fairness do often emerge in the emotional reactions that are a part of the overall forgiveness process. Reactions to injustice should be encouraged to be processed as essential phases leading toward depth forgiveness. For example, immediately after a woman is raped, it is expected that shock, fear, rage and shame about the injustice should be expressed. At those times, it is usually inappropriate for forgiveness to take place. However, after several emotions have been processed and she has learned from the experience, depth forgiveness should be a goal. In no way does forgiveness indicate that the experience was fair. Forgiveness extends beyond justice. Forgiving and Forgetting A person will often say, "I can forgive, but I cannot forget." Depending upon the voice tone used, this can mean different things. When there is an intensity, usually an anger tone when making that statement, it suggests that you have not undergone a depth forgiveness. Sometimes a depth forgiveness about an event has the effect of dismissing all or part of a memory from conscious awareness. This seems to occur because the unresolved emotions play a role in retaining a memory. When these unresolved emotions are released, the actual memory of an event often changes. In other cases, retention of the memory is essential for learning how to prevent further unfortunate experiences in the future. In this case, remembering, while at the same time forgiving, can be valuable. Therefore, the relationship between remembering and forgiving can vary. Depth Forgiveness and Spiritual By-pass One of the greatest misuses of the term forgiveness relates to its use as a "spiritual by-pass." This attempt to forgive is actually an attempt to avoid acknowledging and expressing emotions that are seen as unpleasant and not in keeping with one’s image. The "spiritual by-pass" is often done with good intentions and attempts to skip over all the "lower level" reactions as though one is operating at a "higher level." The speed of resolution is sought without due regard for the thoroughness of the process. Basically, the "spiritual by-pass" can be a form of denial which actually results in keeping emotions unresolved to the detriment of the person, who is under the illusion that forgiveness was accomplished. This is not to say that forgiveness, affirmations, positive thinking are not valuable, but anything can be misapplied when motivated by denial. What Depth Forgiveness Is Depth forgiveness is an entire healing process or a phase of an entire healing procedure. It proceeds from acknowledging a perceived wrong-doing to thoroughly moving through a sequence of emotional reactions to a wrong-doing. Without help or experience in depth forgiveness, the process could take weeks, months, years or may never occur. The actual act of forgiveness is often dependent upon how well acknowledgment, emotional processing and changes in thinking are made that lead up to a potential forgiveness. This is why depth forgiveness must usually be seen in the context of a total process. Depth forgiving is about letting go of unresolved emotions. In all the rituals and attempts at forgiveness, the most critical challenge is about actually eliminating the emotional charge that is felt. Without this component, the process is doomed to be incomplete, partial or ineffective altogether. Most forgiveness procedures lead us through certain activities, ideas, beliefs, etc. in an attempt to prompt the dislodging of our emotions. While some procedures are emotionally expressive, they are not necessarily consistent or effective in actually expelling unresolved emotions. Simply stated, depth forgiveness does not happen without a change in the emotional aspect of the issues. Depth Forgiveness as Transformation When unresolved emotions are expelled in the depth forgiveness process, an array of other experiences may occur either simultaneously or thereafter. Shifts in our perspective, attitude changes and actual beliefs may be transformed. This cascade of alteration includes bodily changes and sometimes changes in spiritual awareness. These changes are particularly true in conjunction with perspectives toward the event or person who was the object of unresolved emotions. In religious terms, the depth forgiveness experience can be seen as a purification or a cleansing. At times, this cleansing is so profound that it is perceived as a death to rebirth experience. Death represents the elimination of the presence of an obsolete position in life and rebirth is represented by the emergence of a new mind-body-spirit identity and position in life. Some people do not feel worthy of allowing God’s forgiveness until they can first forgive themselves or others. In this way, depth forgiveness may be seen as a part of our spiritual fulfillment. Making AmendsThere are times when we made a mistake of transgressing another person or at least we are convinced that we have acted wrongly toward them. These situations often make it necessary to make amends to that person in order to prepare for forgiving ourselves. The process of making amends generally includes recognizing and confessing our mistakes to the person whom we believe we have wronged. This action may or may not be received well by the other person. However, his/her reception is really not the primary focus of making amends because it is an effort to purge ourselves. Making amends is an attempt to remove from ourselves the ill-will or thoughtlessness with which we interacted. This step is often necessary before we can proceed to forgiving ourselves. Forgiving Ourselves It can be said that all forgiveness is ultimately self-forgiveness. This is based upon the premise that what we perceive and do with others is a projection of how we perceive and respond to aspects of ourselves that are out of our conscious awareness. In this view, we all tend to repress and deny unwanted aspects of ourselves in order to defend our "good" image. Then we see features in others that we have disowned in ourselves. Therefore, to forgive others is also to forgive the unwanted aspects of ourselves. If we see ourselves as related to or a part of all humanity, then to forgive ourselves also helps others and to forgive others is like forgiving ourselves. Sometimes it is necessary to forgive ourselves in order to grasp the value of forgiving in general. Depth forgiveness is about releasing fear and accepting love Almost all unresolved emotions that are retained are usually not released because a fear exists. This fear may not always be conscious. When forgiveness takes place, there is usually a compassionate experience of love that fills the void of expelled emotions. If forgiveness is so healing, why don't we forgive? There are numerous reasons why we do not forgive. We are often afraid of experiencing the emotional pain involved in the process of forgiving. Some of us simply do not recognize the value of forgiveness. This may be because we have never experienced an in-depth, life-changing forgiveness and thus cannot fully understand the implications of depth forgiveness experience. Even when we have experienced depth forgiveness, the forgiveness experience literally erases, deletes or relinquishes the painful emotions in such a way that the issue no longer holds importance to us. When this happens, there is no longer a tendency to dwell on the issue or the process of forgiveness. Many of us simply move on and lose our interest in healing because there are no strong issues to keep our attention on forgiveness. We have an amazing capacity to detach from our awareness. The Illusion of Power Many of us do not forgive because at some level of our psyche, we are under the illusion that retaining unresolved emotions protects us. Not forgiving creates a definition of us as good and them as bad. When we are victimized by someone, holding onto anger or resentment serves to create the self-perception that we are powerful. This self-perception is actually a self-deception because feelings of victimization actually underlie this hostility. Furthermore, this response is an attempt to protect us from being hurt again. Unfortunately, the very walls that protect us isolate us and leave us without the love that only comes when we take the risk to love others. The Love-Hate Problem Many times unpleasant, unresolved emotions are linked with positive affectionate bonds. For example, the same parents that nurture you may also abuse you; people whom you love may also be associated with the sources of your greatest pain. Therefore, we are often reluctant to expel unpleasant emotions about someone we love for fear that letting go of our unwanted emotional state will also eliminate the bond that is cherished. In depth forgiveness, it simply does not work that way. Unresolved unpleasant emotions can be removed without cutting off the positive aspects of that bond. Denial Prevents Forgiveness Another basic category of reasons for not forgiving is that of denial. Denial is not meant to be accusatory here. Denial can either be in full awareness or out of consciousness. Nonetheless, not recognizing that a problem exists must be overcome in order to have any chance at healing through forgiveness. Ways that people deny the need for forgiveness A tendency to detach from your emotions Dismissing that there is a connection between present experiences and past experiences A tendency to push unpleasant thoughts away from awareness Unwillingness to talk about certain people or events of the past Ignoring the existence of unresolved emotions Minimizing unresolved emotions Lying about the truth about your past When other people repeatedly tell you that you are defensive about certain things but you do not recognize it When unwanted emotions keep recurring without a known reason When you have forgotten significant times of your life A tendency to be unaware of your body or feel physically numb Rationalizing that it is not of value to face unresolved emotions of the past Escape through drugs, work, television, computers, etc. What good does it do to forgive? Simply put, all of the issues listed on the first page become reversed. Let me put it this way. Would you take a pill that would provide the following benefits? Improved self-esteem Elimination of guilt, shame, unworthiness Elimination of bad feelings about past mistakes, failures, lack of achievement, etc. Appreciation and comfort with your body and appearance Ability to select friends and partners that enrich your life Elimination of resentment, revenge, hostility, etc. Elimination of nightmares Experiences of deep inner peace Experiences of ecstasy, joy, euphoria Confidence and the improved ability to both give and receive love A healthy, positive outlook on life Of course, all of these benefits may not occur all at once. Depending upon your issues, benefits will vary. Now we have procedures to accomplish these changes deeper and more rapidly than ever before. The process can and will change lives. What does Dr. Steven Vazquez have to offer that others do not? In 1995, I developed a procedure that has had dramatic success in helping people to make deep and rapid emotional changes. The procedure is based upon the combination of rhythmic stimulation of the brain by the use of light and color while a counselor guides you through various issues. This works in a unique and powerful way. In order to appreciate this process, it is necessary to understand how brainwave states can be useful. Research has made it clear that specific brainwave states are largely responsible for unique awareness and skills. For example, what was traditionally known as "alpha brainwave states" (between 8 and 12 cycles per second) is well known to elicit inward states like deep relaxation or meditation. Whereas, beta (13 and above) elicits focus of attention upon our external environment and is predominant during adult waking consciousness. There are numerous other states of consciousness unique to dreaming, creativity, deep sleep, recollections of memories and emotions, etc. If we could master accessibility to all the different states of consciousness, almost anything could be accomplished--rapid learning, insight, transforming emotional states, relaxation, changes in physical experiences, etc. In the 1930’s, it was discovered that when your brainwave states are monitored by EEG equipment and a rhythmic flashing light was emitted into the eyes, the rate of the flashing light brought forth a similar rate of the brainwave pattern. This is called photic driving or entrainment. If a therapist was knowledgeable about which states of consciousness were most beneficial for each psychological procedure, a tool that could bring forth specific states rapidly and with precision would be an extraordinary help! We now have that tool and its use has been systematically developed. The photron and lumatron are devices that emit precise rates rhythmic colored light stimulation. I have developed this process to deepen and speed up therapy. However, my viewpoint is that the machine has a limited ability to heal people by itself, so I have developed ways that compassionate guidance, coupled with your expressions, serve to enhance the effects of this technology. There have also been extraordinary developments in psychotherapy that allow for more rapid changes. Among these developments is the therapeutic use of eye movement. The procedures I use include photic eye movement, breathwork, and careful verbal expression in addition to the light and color brain stimulation. One procedure I have developed is the photic release technique in which we can now access in-depth insight and completely expel unwanted, unresolved emotions. This process has made possible depth experiences of forgiveness. The basic principles of this approach have now been taught to hundreds of professionals across the United States and to over a hundred people in at least six different countries including Japan, Canada, Germany, Norway, etc. This work has been published, in part, in the book Light Years Ahead and it has been written about in numerous professional journals. My latest application for this profound process is to forgiveness. How long does it take? The length of time necessary to complete the forgiveness procedure varies with your readiness to face your issues and the complexity of the problem itself. For example, if you have certain personality disorders, are abusing drugs or using certain types of medications, the process can work more slowly or not at all. On the other hand, if you do not have these constraints and you are clear about what you want, it can be done as quickly as one or two sessions. Many times, we think we need to focus upon a certain issue of forgiveness, only to discover during the process that other issues are also important to resolve. Sometimes the complexity of issues becomes so great that it is unpredictable how long completion will take. When sweeping changes are made with forgiveness, the magnitude and speed of change may leave you disoriented. Even though the changes are good, adjustment to this new life can be challenging. It can be likened to winning the lotto. This dramatic good fortune creates adjustment issues that must be handled well in order to enjoy the benefits of the change. This process is not only fast, but it is deep as well. Therefore, the people closest to the one undergoing forgiveness will be affected. We will custom-tailor each procedure to the needs of the person. How do you get started? You do not have to have a mental disorder to go through this depth forgiveness procedure. It does not require drugs, surgery or any invasive procedures. You are not required to adhere to any particular religion, yet it does enhance your ability to be in contact with God if you wish that. It can change your entire life! Why wait? Act now! Just phone in to make an appointment. After an initial intake and photosensitivity assessment, we can proceed. The procedure works almost every time if you are willing and ready!To schedule a session on depth forgiveness with Dr. Steven Vazquez, contact Steven R. Vazquez, Ph.D.